


I Saw Papá Fucking One Of Santa’s Santas

by WatermelonAntlers



Series: 12 Days Of Prumano Crack [2]
Category: Hetalia - Fandom, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alberta is Gerita’s daughter btw, Crack Fic, I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus Prompt, M/M, not anything graphic tho, uhhh there’s a suicide so be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 00:18:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17233877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatermelonAntlers/pseuds/WatermelonAntlers
Summary: “I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus” prompt with a nice good old dose of crack fic.





	I Saw Papá Fucking One Of Santa’s Santas

    “What type of cookies even are these?” Gilbert said on Christmas Eve, grabbing one of the cookies Lovino had made with Paisleigh earlier that day, “And why are they green? Like don’t get me wrong, green cookies are awesome, but why?”

    Lovino shrugged whilst wrapping his arms around Gilbert’s waist, and looking up at him, “I dunno,” Lovino said, “Paisleigh wanted them green. Said something about how Santa must get bored of only ever having plain brown ones. Had to go take an extra trip to the store to get the dye.”

    “Much to your complaint I imagine?” Gilbert grinned as he chewed the cookie, a few stray crumbs falling out of his mouth.

    “Naturally.”

    “Well,” Gilbert said as he grabbed another cookie, “I do love green food.”

    “Broccoli,” Lovino said, throwing a pointed look at Gilbert.

    “Okay maybe I was wrong.”

    “Spinach,” Lovino continued, “cucumbers, lettuce, asparagus, brussels sprouts.”

    “In my defence,” Gilbert kissed Lovino.

    When they parted (around 10 minutes later) Lovino rolled his eyes, “You’ll need a better excuse than that bastard.”

    “Uhh Paisleigh doesn’t eat her brussels sprouts either.”

    “And she’s, like, 7.”

    “Do you not remember your own daughters age??” Gilbert screeched, putting a hand to his chest, “SHE’S 8!!”

    “Shut up cunt-face,” Lovino said, taking his arms away from Gilbert’s waist and crossing them, “I’m getting old, I can’t remember things as good as I used to.”

    “When’s her birthday?”

    “And you can’t nag me about it either,” Lovino said, “just the other day you forgot that we even  _ have _ a niece.”

    Gilbert thought for a bit, “Oh yeah, I forgot I forgot about Alberta. Well uh at least I don’t have graying hair.”

    “That’s because you already have a full head of gray bastard,” Lovino flopped down onto the couch.

    “White, excuse you,” Gilbert flopped down on the couch beside Lovino, and took his hand, “Mmm, I love you honey.”

    “You better,” Lovino said as he softly kissed Gilbert.

 

    “Well!” Gilbert exclaimed as he suddenly jumped off of the couch, “Santa better get to stocking these stockings!”

    Lovino audibly scoffed from the couch, “How many times have I told you–“

    “Just because you dress up and have an abominable beard that you refuse to shave does not mean that you are Santa!” Gilbert badly imitated Lovino’s deep voice, “Yeah yeah babe I know. You nag me about it all the time.”

    “I do not nag!” Lovino flushed red.

    “Yeah you do,” Gilbert grabbed another cookie, “Besides, I am totally a Santa! The  _ first  _ Santa just needs help from his other Santas to deliver all the presents! One man can’t deliver so many in one night!”

    “Grow up.”

    “Never!” Gilbert screeched as he took  _ another  _ cookie.

    “You are insufferable.”

    “Okay spill,” Gilbert ignored Lovino, “what is in these cookies? They are fucking delicious.”

    Lovino got up off of the couch and went to get another cookie, just to see they were all gone. “Jesus Christ,” he said, “Did you eat all of these?”

    The heavens opened up, filling the room with a bright light. Jesus Christ stepped out from behind some golden gates, and clouds magically appeared for him to use as a walkway. He spoke, “No,” and left.

    “Yeah  _ I  _ ate them, Lovino,” Gilbert said.

    “Yeah that’s what I was asking dumbass,” Lovino said, staring at the spot where Jesus was. He never knew Jesus was brown.

    “No seriously though,” Gilbert said, “What did you do to make them so delicious?”

    Lovino cleared his throat, “Did you ever find out where your stock of special oregano imported from Canada went?”

    “ _ You didn’t _ .”

    “Uh huh.”

    “That was a whole pound!”

    “ _ What _ .”

    “Oh my god I’m gonna dieeeee!!”

    From behind the door where Paisleigh was hiding, listening and watching through the gap between the door hinges and the wall, Paisleigh murmured, “Good riddance Santa. That’s what you get for fucking my Papá.” Paisleigh would be sure to tell Alberta she won’t be getting any presents this year.

 

UwU

 

    Christmas morning was a blur to Paisleigh, her Vater was apparently “too sick to participate in Christmas” and “in the hospital”, but he was able to join Papá and her for lunch so Paisleigh was pretty sure he just slept in. Again. 

    For presents she got a Barbie dream house, and accidentally opened Vater’s present which was a plastic hot pink tube with balls on the end. Paisleigh had no clue what is was, and frankly didn’t care, she was too preoccupied with what she saw last night.

    Fuck Santa, quella fica grasso.

 

    However, Paisleigh had a plan, and that night it started. Once her parents were in bed, snoring like the primitive beasts they are, Paisleigh snuck downstairs. She went into her Papá’s office and opened the computer.

    The Santa last night mentioned something about the first Santa hiring him, so that means he must still must be up for hire. Santa was old, so he must use an old person website like the websites her Vater and Papá use.

    Paisleigh pulled up Facebook and typed,  _ local Santa for sale. _ At first she just got blow up lawn decorations of Santa and weird sex dolls, definitely  _ not  _ what she wanted. Maybe when she was older though. Having enough Santa porn for one day, Paisleigh changed her search,  _ Local Santa for hire,  _ and then she hit the goldmine. Out of all the results there was only one Santa for hire near their house, all the rest had to be a good 5 minute drive away. Not nearly close enough.

    She had him.

 

UwU

 

    The next day as she was dropped off at her cousin Alberta’s house for babysitting, Paisleigh acted normally. She ignored the nerves that were racing through her veins.

    “Bye Papá, bye Vater! Love you!” Paisleigh yelled at the car driving away. Papá, Vater, Uncle Feliciano, and Uncle Ludwig were apparently going out to a national furry convention together, which left Uncle Feliciano and Uncle Ludwig’s tween daughter Alberta to babysit Paisleigh.

    “Okay, so do you wanna watch The Croods or something?” Alberta asked, pocketing her phone.

    “Okay listen fucker,” Paisleigh hopped up and grabbed the top of Alberta’s shirt. She meant to pull Alberta down do her eye level like they do in the movies, but instead she accidentally revealed Alberta’s tit, “Oh my god I’m so sorry.”

    Alberta shrugged, “Nah its fine.”

    “How do you have boobies already?” Paisleigh asked, “You’re only like 11.”

    Alberta put a finger over her lips in the shush motion, “Illegal breast implants. I know a guy if you want some.”

    Paisleigh stared at Alberta, “I think I’ll pass for now, but like, are you gonna cover your boob back up?”

    Alberta laughed, “Ha you said boob.”

    Paisleigh rolled her eyes, “Are you?”

    “No.”

    Rolling her eyes, Paisleigh said, “Anyway you shit, I’ll give you this,” Paisleigh took the 15 dollar Chuck E’ Cheese gift card out of her pocket and held it in front of Paisleigh’s face. Alberta tried weakly grabbing it, and Paisleigh shook her head and put it behind her back, “ _ only  _ if you let me go out on my own and pay for a taxi.”

    Alberta didn’t even need to consider it, she responded within a nanosecond, “Deal, now gimme.”

UwU

 

    “OKAY YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Paisleigh screamed as she kicked down the Santa for hire’s door with all her eight-year-old strength, “I SAW YOU FUCKING MY PAPÁ!” There was no response, the house was silent. “Hello?” Paisleigh said. She knew somebody was here, there was a white van with  _ Free Candy  _ painted on the side parked in the driveway.

    When there was still no response, Paisleigh decided to investigate. She found nobody in the kitchen, living room, or bathroom. Then when she looked in the bedroom, all she found was a guy hanging from a noose. No Santa. Paisleigh tapped the hanging guy’s shoulder, “Hey do you know where the Santa for hire is?”

    The hanging man, now suddenly and somehow alive pointed to himself before dying again.

    “Ohhhh, well that makes my job a lot easier,” Paisleigh said, putting the steak knife down on the bedside table.

    Now all that was left was Papá.

 

UwU

 

    “Papá, we need to talk,” Paisleigh said abruptly over dinner the next day. Vater was taking a nap so it was just Paisleigh and Papá.

    Papà raised an eyebrow, “Yeah?” he put down his coffee that he had every meal, “You not like your presents or something?”

    “Well I don’t really like the book  _ Santa  _ got me,” Paisleigh said, “but that’s mainly because I can’t read.”

    “We’ve been over this. Francis wants you to take over his position as Pope once he dies, you need a copy of the Bible Paisleigh Beilschmidt-Vargas,” Papá said.

    “Papá I’m not even Catholic.”

    Papá slammed a hand down onto the counter, shooketh-ing Paisleigh and making her fall out of her chair, “You will become Pope! Even if you start worshipping devils or believe that when you die you get your own planet or some batshit crazy fuckery like that!!”

    “But Papá Catholics believe Santa isn’t real!” Paisleigh said from on the floor, “But I know the truth! And I know you know the truth  _ very well _ !”

    “What do you fucking mean by that!?”

    “I SAW YOU FUCKING SANTA ON CHRISTMAS EVE PAPÁ!” Paisleigh yelled, crying now.

    This conversation took such a turn it almost gave Papá whiplash, “What?”

    “I SAW YOU CHEATING ON VETER WITH ONE OF THE FIRST SANTA’S SANTAS!”

    “Paisleigh,” Papá said, walking around the table to crouch beside Paisleigh who was still on the floor, “Santa, and uh, the entire North Pole was on vacation this year in Cuba, because you know, Canadians vacation in Cuba all the time, so Veter filled Santa’s role this year.”

    Paisleigh immediately stopped crying, “What?”

    “I wasn’t cheating on Gilbert,” Papá said, “that fucking  _ was _ Veter.”

    In all honesty, Paisleigh was kind of glad she didn’t have to get her Barbier Dream Chainsaw all messy with her Papá’s blood.

**Author's Note:**

> Heh, 1666 words. May the devil worship me.


End file.
